Sex, Syrup & Other Sticky Things

Sex, Syrup & Other Sticky Things

It’s been a minute since I talked shit about a small dick aint’ shit fuckboy who has made a lasting impression in my perverted mind. I’m gonna take y’all back about 4 years ago to the guy who taught me two things: 1. The fundamentals of sucking dick & 2. That men with small dicks tend to do the most to overcompensate for their lack of length. I don’t really know why I haven’t thought to write about this scrub sooner because when I tell y’all that he did the most...just believe me. I should’ve known to not fuck with him from the very beginning but of course my hard headed ass won't listen the first time the Universe tells me to stop fucking with someone. Let me tell y’all all about this nigga and how I ended up with a mouthful of soapy cum at Minnehaha Falls one summer night with my small dick ain’t shit fuckboy.

So I’ve actually been knowing this guy since I was at least 5 years old but we lost touch and reconnected around my 19th birthday I believe. This was when I was heavy into modeling and he was trying to get into it too so he messaged me asking to do a photoshoot with me, which we ended up doing & I’m just cringing thinking back of how the photos came out! Since then, we started talking every now and then but it wasn’t until the day of my birthday that we really started fuckin with each other. We both went to the Kevin Hart show and I hit him up afterwards to see if he wanted to kick it & of course he said yes. So he picked me up and took me over to his house and shiiiit, I was ready to do somethin strange because I had recently gotten out of a relationship and I was really just starting to get into sex, not to mention I had the biggest crush on this dude when we were kids too. I’d only had 2 other partners before that and none of those experiences were that mesmerizing so I was eager to see if there was more to sex or if this was all there was to it.  

So we get to his house and I remember us kissing for what seemed like forever and he was really  good at it so ya girl is hype! I’m thinking if he can kiss this well, then he can probably kiss a pussy really well and get in these guts pretty damn well too. My theory was a bit off, to say the least. So this nigga pulls down his pants and I see the most peewee little thang and I was definitely disappointed but still optimistic because you never really know, the kid might have some a good stroke on em. Again, I was wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever had sex so...bland before. That’s honestly the only word to describe it. I remember he was trying to get me to suck his dick and I was NOT going! Little did he know, the only reason I didn’t want to do it was because I didn’t actually know how to do it...give head that is. I didn’t even know the world of huk yuk existed! That was pretty much the end of that, like I said...bland. But have no fear, Maya is always out the make the best of every situation & this was no different. If I couldn’t have good sex, I’d at least use this as a learning experience.

So we ended up texting the next day and I decided to tell him the real reason I didn’t want to give him any toppy. I knew ya girl had potential, so my headass asks him to help me get better at sucking dick LMAO! I wanted him to talk me through what exactly he liked the next time  so I could make sure I was doing it just right. Not that Peewee Herman deserved it, but that’s besides the point. You should note that said headass doesn’t actually look like Peewee its the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of his dick haha!

*Please take a moment to be thankful for this beautiful moment because this was start of huk yuk, without this, there’d be no raunchy ass sex column for you to indulge on while your sneaking on your cellphone at work.

So I start sucking this negro’s dick on the regular now being sure to spit out his soap flavored cum but that’s not even the biggest problem. As I mentioned before, this dude always had us doing the most in sex and I honestly believe it was only because he was trying to distract me from the fact that his dick was so damn small. He always contorted my body in the strangest positions & I honestly wanted to bust out laughing every single time. Y’all know I love doing crazy shit in the bedroom but come on now, most of the shit can only be done if you’re dick is a decent size. How the hell am I supposed to fuck this nigga on a yoga ball with only a couple inches of meat?!

There were some good times though. I remember the time we had sex at Minnehaha Falls one summer night. I swear all the best things have happened to me at that place! I don’t even know how all this came to be but The Falls was always my go-to place to bring guys & I definitely remember that he was the one to initiate everything. If you couldn’t tell by now, I was most certainly not the same girl then as I am now.  I was nervous as hell as first but shiiitt I guess I knew deep down this was merely a stepping stone to becoming the sexual alien goddess I am today. If you’re wondering how all of this transpired without us being caught, wonder no longer as I’m about to I fill you in.

So obviously it was late as fuck to make sure the only people left lurking around were the 20 year old stoners finding their peace of mind. We found this bench in a corner near the shallow water where everyone plays during the daytime. My no standard having ass got down on my knees on the twigs & branches and gave him my best attempt at sloppy toppy but still not reaching huk yuk mastery. Since I was so new at everything I was horrible with controlling my breath and mouth, so my mouth always got tired as hell pretty quickly. Once I got the little thing nice & wet, I sat on him, making sure I got every little inch of him inside me and rode him as best I could considering I was 1. Making sure no one was lurking around the corner & 2. I was still new at this thing and it’s kinda hard to toot ya ass out & look pretty while simultaneously doing pulsating kegels and making sure he’s having a good ass time. Did I mention my leg strength was also nonexistent? This makes riding damn near impossible so I eventually switched back to on my knees. Doing my best and always persevering, I was able to make ol Herman cum with that ever present soap taste, thanks to his diet of strawberry shortcake ice cream & God knows what else. If you wondering, no I barely ever swallowed with him. Sad to say, his kids were left at the Falls that summer evening.

This entry could go on & on about how lame of a nigga this guy was but at the end of the day all y’all need to know is Peewee Herman was a huge dick despite his lack of one, he had a misspelled tattoo on his body & he broke up with me by ghosting me lmao! Yepppp I’m bitter, so what haha? Buuut, thanks to him I got a little taste of what sex could possibly be & I got some good stories to tell. Maybe I’ll reveal some more details of our headass summer romance in the near future because there’s just too much that I’m sitting on, like the time I told him I wanted to take a romantic bath with the kid and he proceeded to fill the bathtub with fucking dish soap or the time he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet came up engaged shortly afterwards. Niggas, be on one I swear. Anyways, that’s for another day, until then I’ll leave you with this: Stop swallowing soapy cum, if you don’t know how to put it down in the bedroom find someone to practice on & lastly, you definitely need to try some outdoor sex if you haven’t yet done so.

Until then,

Thanking the universe for finally sending me someone with healthy tasting cum!