I hope y’all are ready for a nice & raunchy tale of sex because I’ve been holding off on this one since I first decided to start this X rated column! Y’all have read and visualized (it’s okay, I know y’all can’t help it) the various sexual encounters I’ve chosen to share with the world & it’s been predetermined that I’m a goddess of many things, especially when it comes to love and sex. I’ve given you stories on the art of huk yuk, the time a guy attempted to fuck me with his foot & even confessed about the times I’ve puked on a dick or two. You know all about the time I lost my virginity and even the time I nearly lost that SOB in the back of a Jeep. I think it’s only natural that I now tell y’all about the time yours truly took a lowly fuckboys virginity and all the fuckery that came with that.
So I met this guy about 3 years ago the only way us Millennials know how: Instagram of course! When I tell y’all he was most definitely NOT on my radar in a romantic sense, just trust me lmao. First off, I had a boyfriend at the time. Secondly, I honestly thought he was gay initially. Lastly, I thought his work was amazing and ya girl was really just trying to build a relationship so we could shoot together. I had learned early on don’t mix business with pleasure so I wasn’t even going to go down that road…or so I thought.
I’ve always been the type of woman that could easily relate with and befriend men. I have 2 brothers that molded me into a tomboy throughout adolescence, they’re less drama because they’re generally not trying to compete with me, not to mention, I have to be the world’s best wingwoman so I’m always good to have around. Anyways, some time after our Instagram introductions we ended up crossing paths at the theatre he worked at where I just so happened to be on a date with my then boyfriend. He soon became the guy I would call on the vent about the various melodramatic happenings in my life. By this time I knew he obviously wasn’t gay but I definitely didn’t think he had any interest in me for whatever reason. I remember us going on “friend dates” and shit & thinking that there was no way that I could ever be interested in him.
Like all “good” guys do though, he finally found a way to slither his way out of the friendzone. Remember how I said I had a boyfriend? Well, that guy ended up dumping me via text and when I called on Mr. Friendzone to vent, he couldn’t help but to have a smile in his voice. It was then that I realized I had been naive in thinking he only saw me as a friend. I still wasn’t interested in him in a romantic way but I thought maybe just maybe I could give it a try. I definitely wasn’t attracted to him. His voice somewhat resembled Urkel’s and he had this fucking mohawk & when the sides of his hair grew out he had beady beads…if you know, you know. Just imagine what the stereotypical geek would look like, but Black. That was him. He was nice at the time though. I’m pretty sure this was the start of my ugly boy phase lmao. I had the idea ugly men wouldn’t try to cheat or play me…if only someone would’ve told me how stupid of a theory that was haha.
So fast forward to me telling this negro I could actually like him. We went on a couple dates, talked everyday, etc. Typical shit two people dating would do. I’m not sure the exact moment when he told me he was a virgin but I definitely wasn’t surprised & I’m sure y’all aren’t either lol. It’s safe to say I was determined to change that status right away. I had just moved into my apartment and I had practically no furniture, including no bed, which meant we were gonna have to fuck on the floor. That honestly isn’t a big deal to me considering all the other unconventional places I’ve had sex but when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t know shit about sex, it becomes a challenge.
When I tell y’all this nigga was beyond clueless about sex!! I had to do everything which was annoying but I guess I should’ve expected as much. I remember being nervous that I was dealing with another Peewee Herman just based off his looks but thankfully he was somewhat average. So by now I can tell he isn’t about to initiate anything because he’s nervous so my bold ass pulled his pants down and gave him a little taste of huk yuk. I honestly didn’t feel the need to go all out because it’s not like he had much to compare it to lmfao. So after I get his lil thang decently wet, I hop on top of him & start riding him but I swear it had to be some of the most uneventful sex I’ve ever had! I feel for guys that have to do all the work in sex because it was such a muthafuckin drag! It was then that I knew I had to put my teaching skills to use.
Throughout our entire relationship I was committed to making sure this nigga would learn to fuck me right. I swear we had to have had sex over 200 times. I’m not gonna front like he didn’t get better because he definitely did but he never got over trying to have jackhammer sex. Now y’all know I loveee rough sex but that doesn’t mean fucking me like this is the first time your scrotum had the pleasure of banging against a real live female body. It felt like I was having sex with a college boy who watched too much porn & was only focused on getting his nut off…except this dude almost neverrrr came! Like ever. Maybe like 10 times throughout our entire relationship. I honestly thought it was my fault and I was soo damn insecure for the longest time but then I realized I can make a nigga cum just from kissing his thigh. I most definitely wasn’t the problem.
I didn’t even get to the head! I gave this man the most immaculate huk yuk ever. Like ever. Sloppy as fuck, dick all the way down my throat, letting him face fuck me whenever he wanted, the whole 9. Now ask me how many times he ate me out… I could count on my hands! What a piece of shit. It’s funny though because I’m pretty sure he ate my ass more than he ate my pussy. He said he liked doing that more for whatever weird reason, but shiiiit it did feel good *kanye shrugs* I understand that my ass is impeccable but I’ve never been with someone who paid more attention to that orally. That’s a whole nother article though.
I haven’t even told y’all the worst part! I spent 2 whole years faking orgasms y’all! 2 fucking years! The thing that made it even worse was that he’d always ask if I came in that ugly way that fuckboys do & I’d always lie to spare his feelings. Since then I have vowed to myself to never fake it again. I’ll be damned if I’m stuck in a relationship where I have to fake a lifetime worth of orgasms. Luckily for me, my new man has no problem getting the job done! I could honestly go on and on about the raunchy disaster that was our sex life but that’s 2 years of unpacking. I’m sure y’all can fill in the blanks of my beloved Urkel and the many ways he fucked and sucked me.
Cover Photo by Marcus Styles