I find myself writing things for this column that I know I can’t publish, but I keep writing anyways because its a release. The articles that could’ve been.
I have written about men and their stupidity, myself and MY stupidity, white people and THEIR stupidity. The list goes on. But one topic that I always find myself coming back to is love. Whether it be the love I receive from others (or lack thereof) or love I give myself. I think this time it’s going to about myself, of course. Why would I dedicate an entire entry to one of the many fuckboys who have come and gone in my life. I’ll save that for another time on another platform aka my Instagram where I’m ever so daring and sometimes problematic in the eyes of men, white people, and Christians.
Anyways, back to me and the love I’ve been giving myself. If you’ve been tuning in to my previous letters, you’ll note that I have been going through it these past couple months. I’ve gotten out of that disgusting rut but I still find myself peeking into it from time to time. I feel like I have an unrealistic idea of what it means to be happy (as do so many others) that it has actually prevented me from being happy. We/I need to realize that being happy does not mean being constantly happy. You don’t have to be happy 24/7, let alone everyday. I’ve come to realize that even just a few small moments a day of joy can mean the world to me. I’m trying to take into account those moments and remember them when my mind reverts back to that antifreeze, which I can proudly say has finally been thrown in the trash.
I took a month long break (I’m so thankful I’m able to do that) to just escape from business, toxic relationships and so much more. I don’t feel all the way there but I can feel my drive and old self coming back to life. I feel like that’s what we want; to just feel like our old selves. Let’s face it, the old us was thinner, happier and carefree as fuck (at least in my case). I want that back, is it possible to keep the ass though?? So that’s the goal, going back to the Maya who didn’t give a fuck but to keep the wisdom of the woman staring at the computer today.