I haven’t been to sleep yet and it’s now the time where I overthink and over analyze every aspect of my life. I’ve started to realize something about my life: I have never had true balance. If my career is going well, my relationships suck. If my relationships are going well, money is the problem. It’s always something it feels like. I have to find a way to create a true balance between everything so this constant feeling of anxiety that clouds over me will slowly vanish. The thing is, how do I accomplish that? Although I don’t entirely know the answer to that, I find comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this feeling.
Right now I feel as though pretty much every area of my life is at a standstill. The one aspect that is seemingly progressing though, is my mental health, believe it or not. As y’all know, it’s definitely been a big struggle for me in that department & since my last entry a lot of really serious and traumatic things have happened, which I won’t get into. I say all that to say, even though something traumatic took place, my mind seems to be in a really good place now. I feel like it’s largely in part to who I’ve been surrounding myself with and the things I’m subjecting my mind to. I recently cut a lot of toxic people and things out of my life and I couldn’t be happier. Every time I do this, I end up feeling really bad but then a wave of joy overcomes me. I’m happy to say that’s the case here as well. My hope is that these small life changes will motivate me and create a ripple effect and the rest of my life will somehow not be so fucked up.
A big reason why a lot of things in my life are stagnant is because this anxiety and sense of Imposter Syndrome is ever present and I’m letting it overcome me. It’s like I’m falling out a 30 story building and I have to just sit there and watch the fall. Not able to do anything until it’s too late. I know that’s not true though, I can do something about it. It’s just my mind playing tricks on me and I always fall for it. This is difficult for me to admit to myself because I’ve always tried my best to not let mental health issues & such take spill into my work unless it was spun into a positive. That’s not the case now. I don’t know…maybe since I’ve accepted this truth I can move on from it. Maybe this will be a new day, a new opportunity for me to make things right. Even if it the smallest of steps forward, it’s still moving forward, right?
I suppose I’m writing all this to say, get it the fuck together girl. It’s about time. I’ll let y’all know how that goes, per usual.
-Carefree Black Girl