Letters from a Carefree Black Girl

Letters from a Carefree Black Girl

Can I Ever Do Enough?

 

This is the question I have been asking myself as of late. I feel as though I’m taking on so many projects and extending myself further than I should, yet I also feel like I’m not doing anything at all. Or, at least that’s how I feel everyone else is thinking about me. Irrational of me to even believe people have the time or the interest to think about me in their free time, isn't it? That’s besides the point though. But I also don’t really know what the point of this entry is. All I know right now is that the stress and anxiety levels are at an all time high. You ever feel like it's just never ending? You finally feel the sense of relief for 20 minutes until another wave of anxiety overcomes you. I know it can’t be just me feeling this! It’s comforting and not, all at the same time. Comforting in the sense that I know I’m not alone in what I’m feeling. I’m sure even the most successful of people feel this way at times. It makes me shaky though, thinking that so many people have these feelings and there’s really nothing we/I can do about it. Or is there?

 

Ugh. I just feel like I keep disappointing everyone and I honestly can’t even be mad at them. It’s frustrating because only Pierre and myself can see the true struggle I go through completing the simplest tasks because of the mental health issues I have. Only he and I can see the things I’m simultaneously juggling. But maybe that’s my fault as well, because it’s not as though I’ve ever truly opened up to anyone. I’ve never felt the need or the desire to. So how can someone understand me if they only know the Maya I show to the world and not the Maya I conceal in hopes that no one could disturb my peace or disrupt my already unfulfilling life.

 

Maybe this just my current state of mind and not my truth? Whatever the case, I’m ready and eager to escape, even just for a day. To get back to being Maya. Maya Clark.

 

In which ways do you cope? How do you help yourself realize that this is indeed temporary? Because I could definitely use some help!

 

Words by Maya Clark // @mayaexplains