Life, love and the pursuit of a guy who can actually make me cum.
Yo, I don’t think we should talk about this
Come on, why not?
People might misunderstand what we’re trying’ to say, you know?
No but that’s part of life!
- Salt n Pepa “Let’s Talk About Sex”
I can still remember the first time I ever touched a penis in excruciating detail. I was 16 and we were laying in Gage’s* bed. His parents were downstairs watching TV and we had a pizza and Planet Earth playing in the background. Needless to say it was an extremely sexy setting. I have to admit that Gage’s penis gave me unrealistic expectations on both size and overall aesthetics which still affect me today, because his dick was pretty perfect. I’ll spare you the gory details but I will tell you that I was scared shitless and had no clue what the fuck I was doing when I decided to put my mouth around it. I had to pause to remove the gum from my mouth and stick it to his bedside table in order to really get to work. I’m pretty sure i spent most of the ensuing blow job thinking about that little wad of gum and whether or not he thought it was weird and gross that I had just stuck it there. I mean here i was seeing and touching and for god’s sake sucking a dick for the first time and all I can see is that stupid wad of gum out of the corner of my eye. Luckily he was a horny teenager and my level of ineptitude and distraction didn’t stop him from spurting his load in my mouth after what felt like the longest most stressful four minutes of my life so far. I swallowed it. Thanks he said, kissing my forehead and we settled back down to finish watching Planet Earth. Later that night when he walked me past his parents to my car he whispered, "Sorry for just having this bro night where like you sucked me off and we ate pizza. Sometime we’ll go on a real date or something." We never did go on a real date but I did spend the better part of high school hosting an unrequited crush on him.
Fast forward to now, seven years later. I am 23 years old and it’s safe to say that I’ve seen a few more penises and, according to feedback I have improved my fellatio techniques. But I should tell you that I still have no fucking clue what I’m doing. Transfer my ineptitude from the physical acts of love to the emotional ones and we’re pretty spot on with my romantic capabilities. I’ve had one serious relationship, in college with a ginger haired frat boy called Connor* who grew up on a hobby farm in a small town in Iowa. We had a pretty lovely relationship, despite the fact that I failed to see him cheating on and leaving his previous girlfriend to be with me as a warning sign of what was probably to come for us. We were young and it remains the first and only time I’ve ever been in love, as well as the marked beginning of my sexual eye opening. I didn’t lose my virginity to him, but I may as well have considering the first and only time I had sex before him was a drunken hookup the summer after high school ended. I remember thinking sex wasn’t all it was cracked up to be after that first time. I also remember not being able to keep my hands off Connor for more than 20 minutes at a time once he and I started having sex. Our sexual chemistry lasted for years, but our relationship didn’t. I ended up cutting things off with him just before I left to study abroad in London my junior year of college. I was so sure that this sweet, goofy guy could not be all that my love life had to offer me. I mean I grew up idolizing the women in Sex and the City, I was already conditioned to believe that no true love came that easily. I was sure that there was an epic, stomach-twisting romance awaiting me in London that would completely eclipse my safe, comfortable college relationship. Little did I know that all London would have to offer me was a one night stand, a few week long fling with a musician who would end up dumping me to date another girl in our program and a very, very drunken threesome.
I returned to America empty handed and empty hearted with nothing but some good stories to tell. I spent the remainder of my college career in an on again off again relationship with the ex, and I filled all of the off periods with a multitude of ‘things’, flings and one night stands. I slept with frat boys and townies, stoners and a college basketball player who shall remain nameless. I hooked up with a girl. I had sex with a guy I couldn’t stand for weeks because it was so mind-blowing that I couldn’t help myself. I spent a few weeks weighing out and bagging nuggets of weed for a drug dealer who would eventually leave a handprint shaped bruise around my neck after choking me so hard during sex that I legitimately passed out. That was the end of that relationship, and the beginning of a week straight of scarves. I perfected my blow job and i perfected the art of a nude selfie. I hooked up with another girl. I tried the whole just-for-sex Tinder meet up (fucking awkward, btw) and I woke up a few times with a killer hangover and no idea who the dude was next to me. I tried a little bit of everything and learned what I liked and what I hated, what worked and what didn’t.
Ok who am I kidding, I’m still figuring that shit out. You’d think I’d have figured out a little bit more since the OG blow job than just how to do that little thing with my tongue that drives guys crazy and how to prevent a UTI (don’t skip the post-coital bathroom trip ladies, please, you’re hurting no one but yourself). But I mean, it’s a process right? One sexcapade at a time. There is one thing I’ve learned though: sex is awesome. And my life is fuller because I allow myself to try things and be open about it. Sure, I’ve made mistakes and I have moments in my sexual history that I would like to forget. But that’s life, and I’m not ashamed of that. In fact, the opposite. I’m proud and I love to talk about it. So. Let’s talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause, or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep? I doubt it
All right then, come on, Spin
Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
*Names have been changed to protect the guilty
Words by Gwen Campion
Photo courtesy of Gwen Campion